It's REALLY been a while...

and I have a bit of a story to tell. I recently was presented with the opportunity to become the Color Guard director at a high school near my college. I thought over it and decided I need to start somewhere and this is a GREAT place to start. It's going to be their first year of having color guard so I get to start from square one. 

Oddly enough, it is already a bit of a challenge. I am super excited to get started to I have already been looking at uniforms and silks and poles, etc. And I realized I have so many unanswered questions and things that go on behind the scenes that I have no clue about! Luckily, I have my mom and a lot of color guard friends to help me out. 

Long story short, I realized, though there are many helpful blogs out there about teaching color guard, none of them really tell you everything about starting up one brand new. I get that most high schools already have a colorguard and equipment and everything so I get why there isn't a fair amount of "How to get Started Blogs" but I think there should be. It would definitely help me. SO, I am going to make one. And I think it may be partially a "vlog" to be all futuristic and what not. 

So, sorry for disappearing for a year, it's been crazy, but I will be trying to keep up now.

<3alyssa

Already?

I'm literally less than two weeks away from being done with my freshman year at OU. Wtf happened? Thats all I have to say. I was kinda just doing me and living life and now I'm sitting here thinking it all went by so fast. I'm pretty sure a year ago I was scared to go to college and scared I couldn't do it. I was afraid to go so far away from home with no one but myself to get me through school, with no friends tagging along, and no established reputation. That turned out to be a good thing actually.

Next week I have final on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday and then I'm done. I can pack up and go home. Well at least to my brothers house. Then, the next Tuesday (May 17 - my mommys birthday) I getta leave and be back in California for 3 months. I'm excited. I miss my family and my friends there and I just miss California in general. Oklahoma really is a lot different.

But, there are some things I'll miss from Oklahoma. My friends (mainly Chrissy Braswell, Lindsey Morrison, and Lauren Pettit), school (I'm a nerd), Colorguard/Band which I miss anyway, my family out here, etc. And I guess I might miss my boyfriend a bit too. Lol jk. I will realllllyyy miss him. Honestly, just thinking about him leaving makes my eyes start to tear. Sad but true. I already know I'm probably going to uncontrollably bawl my eyes out when he leaves. Idk why I'm like that. There's not much I cry about in general, but whenever I have to leave someone or something I really care about, even if it's only for a few months, I get really upset.

I guess being upset about not seeing him is a good thing, it means I care right? I really do care about him a lot. I'm not sure why I wasted so much time not being with him and avoiding my feelings. But I know, because I spent so much time being his friend when I felt something more about him, that I really do like him and I want to be with him for a long time. I'm not sure I've felt this way about anyone in a long time, maybe not ever. It's nice though. It feels so right and I feel like at least that part of my life is set. For now. I can't guarantee it will last forever but I hope it lasts for a very long time.

It's ridiculous how much I care about us being together and staying together. I'm so paranoid that something will tear us apart so I freak out when anything little happens between us and I get really upset. And then all I wanna do is hold onto him and not let go. And he keeps telling me its okay, or that hes sorry, or that hes not gonna leave me but I still can't help but be scared that I'm gonna do something wrong or that something will change. I'm so paranoid in fact that I'm paranoid about my paranoia messing things up. Sometimes I feel like I worry about it so much that hes gonna get sick of me worrying about it and think I don't trust him or believe him when he tells me its fine. Idk why I'm like that. I feel that it's because I know how much I like him and care about him and I'm so scared that he'll leave and I won't know how to be myself again. He literally holds me up. I don't know what I'd do without him.

Anyway, enough with that because it's messing with my emotions and I'm sure you are tired of reading about it. I've recently discovered how important it is to me to keep in contact with my family. In fact, for some reason just getting to talk to my sister or my dad or someone every few days makes me feel good. I don't know why but I constantly feel the need to know how things are and make sure life is well and just... be present in their lives. I never realized how important family was to me. I always knew how important my mom was to me, and even my siblings at times, but I'm starting to realize a lot more people are important to me and I feel like I'd be nothing without them.

I'm starting to pack up stuff to move out, I've been submitting job applications for a month or so now, I'm looking at all sorts of things that have almost nothing to do with school work, and I'm just thinking about my life lately. For some reason, being in college made me realize that having a career and a home and being an adult (for real) is all so close and life just seems a whole lot bigger now. It's scary in some ways, but I'm excited for the future.

Oh in case you care about recent shiz, I went home (to Plano, Texas more specifically) with my boyfriend (his names Chris btw, surprise surprise) this past weekend. It was nice. His family is quite like mine in several ways which made it easy to feel at home-ish? His parents were so kind as to buy Chris and me tickets to go to Edgefest. It was really nice. I really like concerts, regardless of who is playing, but it helped that I liked the bands. It was nice to spend that whole day with Chris as well. It was a nice weekend in general. Well besides the rain on Sunday. Ewie. Hopefully tomorrows weather should be nice. I hope.

My sister in law, Heather, has a birthday on Wednesday I believe, and my niece Bailee has a birthday on Saturday. As well as my grandma Sharon. Then Mother's Day is on Sunday. Wish I could be with my mommy :(.

I gotta write a couple papers before next week and do some studying. But right now I'm gonna go busify myself.

I hope all is well.
OH PS Osamas dead. YAY.
<3alyssa

I didn't forget you...

Today my boyfriend reminded me that I have a blog I'm supposed to be keeping up with. I assume that most of  you don't just solely follow my blog so I'm sure you have gotten the gist of what has gone on, but since I have a few minutes before class, I will shed my stories.

I last left off with that moment in time where I was feeling quite stressed with everything. Since then things have changed quite a bit. First off, my now ex-roommate decided to go off on me about that blog, claiming I was "talking shit" about her and everyone else behind their backs (even though it was publicly online) and that everyone felt like this, not just her. She claimed she thinks its wrong because she never talks about people behind their back and doesn't post stuff online about people (remember this for later). I found out, however, that she was the ONLY person who thought that blog was me talking crap. In fact, some of my friends hadn't read and hadn't planned on reading it. Those who had understood how I was feeling and knew I meant nothing bad. So, false accusations and lying to pretend you have back up? Cool.

Whatever, I dont remember what happened after that but things went back to normal. For a little while. Then, one night I found out that my roommate and suitemate had been planning on moving out and into a different room together and weren't going to tell me unless the move got approved. I thought they were my friends but this is when I started noticing otherwise. The next day we were all supposed to go out for dinner for my suitemates birthday. A small group of my friends and I (the ones Ill be living with next year) had already planned to go to a movie that same night, just the four of us. So we decided to go after dinner. We didn't invite anyone else because it was just for us and we figured it shouldn't be a problem since they had already planned to do stuff without us (like going to get their nails done on my suitemates actual birthday). The only reason we even told them about us going out was because we needed one of them to drive to dinner so they could drive themselves back afterward. Well, apparently we were wrong in doing so. They threw a huge fit and talked about how shitty it was of us to not invite them to every single little thing. Everyone else we didnt invite didnt get mad. Even Tanner didnt get mad! But they did. Whatever. Dinner was awkward because of them and they were treating us like crap.

Later that night I came home to find alcohol on my roommates desk. This is both against the rules of the university and against the law. It made me uncomfortable because I could get in as much trouble as she could just for being in the room with it. So i slept in my friends room that night. Apparently OUPD showed up later on at my door. My roommate wasnt there but she found out and went off on me through text about calling OUPD even though I hadn't. She told me how two-faced I was and etc. etc. and tried to act like she hadn't been already doing stuff behind my back. So then it all went to hell.

She and my suitemate started posting statuses on facebook about the situation and talking crap and etc. just like she said she never does. She started throwing my stuff on the floor, purposely leaving our door unlocked when noone was home meaning someone could easily come in and steal stuff, she would randomly yell at me for doing stuff that was normal and that she had been doing to me even, and the whole time I never retaliated. Why? Because I hadn't done anything in the first place and if I didnt do anything, she had nothing against me. The best part was when my RA asked her about the situation and she said nothing was wrong, everything was fine. When my RA told her to stop lying, she started yelling at my RA. Shows how mature she is right? Also shows that she wanted to hide it, meaning she knows she was the one doing everything wrong.

So, I decided to move out because her room change request didnt get approved. I moved into the room she wanted (lol) and now I live by myself. Its nice. She lives across the hall still and still has some immature grudge against me and so will mock me and what not but shes just an idiot and Im glad Im out of there.

In other news, school is going pretty well. My physics class sucks because my teacher sucks, but everyone is doing about as good as I am in the class so Im not too worried. I got my schedule set up for next semester and I cant wait for Pride to start. Ive been doing extremely well in chemistry and calculus and well english too I guess. I have 3 weeks left of school and the week after that I will be on a plane to California for the summer! Im so excited! Working on finding a job, if anyone knows anyone hiring, let me know.

I have an amazing boyfriend now, as well. It sucks that I only have 3 weeks with him and then we wont see eachother for months, but I cant fix that now. Basically, hes the guy who has been one of my best friends this whole year and I finally realized that I was getting jealous when he talked about other girls, and I didnt want him to be with anyone else, and I realized I really do like him. So now we're together and its great, probably the best relationship Ive had yet and I really expect to be with him for a long time.  He and my brother get along so well, and the rest of my family seems to approve. Yea hes the nerdy, gamer guy, but its cute and I can stand it as long as he spends time with me. Hes smart, and nice for once, and hes white. Wtf right? Haha jk. I have to get to class soon otherwise Id write a whole bunch more but basically Im happy right now. :)

<3abomb

Storms

Kiss the Rain - Yiruma

I needed a refreshingly new instrumental (specifically piano) piece swimming through my brain. So of course, I stepped right over to the lovely Yiruma playlist and picked out this piece. And I LOVE it. I've loved it since I heard the preview.

I got really stressed out today. It all just kind of came at me at once. Fortunately, I was able to pick up and leave and hit the gym for an hour or so. Listen to some music, be by myself, get my mind off of it all. What caused the stress? Ahh... well...

Besides being a college student in a fairly difficult field as far as majors are concerned and with a heavy schedule, things have all the sudden boiled over this week.

First, but certainly not foremost, I had a boyfriend... for all of 3ish weeks. I did not plan on having any relationships at all this year, and for a while I fought it. I wanted to go to school, do my school and do me without all the complications of a relationship. I didn't want the guilt of feeling for somebody when committed to another. I didn't want to have to commit to a set, constant schedule of seeing or talking to someone. I didn't want to have feelings.... But, eventually I fell for it. I did the relationship thing. He was (or seemed to be) someone I could handle and someone "worth it." And I could swear to you that things seemed to be going just as well almost up until a few days before the end of it all. If you had told me last Thursday, let's say, that by the following Tuesday I would no longer be in a relationship I would have laughed and told you you're crazy and that I feel I may be in one for quite some time. I also would have been wrong. All the sudden things went wrong. Some of it I understand. Some of it I'm not sure I will ever understand. Particularly that there had not been enough wrong for it to end. We hadn't really gotten into much of a fight yet, and I could have sworn we both were into the relationship. WRONG AGAIN. Yep. Anyway, all that taught me is that I need to follow what I feel is right for me. Meaning, if I say at the beginning of the year that I won't do a relationship, I won't do it. I've learned.

Speaking of relationships, I managed to successfully repair one that same day. And, honestly, the whole process of doing that, and all the hurt, and all the hatred I had for myself for messing things up with that person, was wayyy worse than the hurt I felt from the break up. I guess I just cared more about the relationship with that person than I did about the person I was "in a relationship" with. Which, now that I think about it, is completely backwards. How could I care more about one person, and stupidly pick another. Damn. Wow.

More stress came from.. Idk. Just this whole dorm life thing. This whole not having my own space that is entirely my own thing. This whole not having a place to go to be alone. To get away from it all. I need something like that. Don't get me wrong, I have a great roommate and I love my friends. I just need days without them. And lately that hasn't been happening. My room is the new "hotspot" rather than a place where I can go to get away. I almost feel like in order to get anything done or in order to be away from loudness and craziness I have to go away from my "home."

Plus, today when so many were in here, we were discussing one thing and people kept butting in all saying the same things we had already discussed. Which made me want to punch something. I feel like sometimes people just have the sole desire to put their 2 cents in regardless of how similar theirs are to somebody elses and regardless of their extent of knowledge about the situation.

Besides all of that, just homework and all this school crap coming at me too fast is causing issues. And I just need to sit down and go through it all.

And, Im starting to feel alone again. I hope it changes.

Things will get better with time, right?
<3alyssa

Home home home home HOME

I'm sitting in the Denver Airport. Yep, I'm writing a blog in an airport. Why? Well I'm freaking bored that's why. I have like an hour or something til I leave here so why not? In a few hours I will be arriving in Sacramento, California where I will be located for the remainder of my vacation from OU. Sactown is my home and that's where I like to be when I have the time. Tonight, my highschool's winterguard has their first practice since their winter break which I will be attending. I'm exciting because I got to write the weapon audition routines for both sabre and rifle, and I get to teach those routines tonight! Also, the final cut of the music has been made and therefore I get to start writing work for the show. WOOT!

I've been trying to dabble in some colorguard teaching for a while now. Though I have no intention of making a 'career' out of colorguard teaching, I do quite enjoy writing routines, shows, etc. and I would certainly love to tech whenever I get the chance, and maybe even be an instructor one day. Wouldn't that be legit?

Indeed.  Yea I really dont have much to say but I was bored and I thought Id share. So.. I guess Ill sit here some more and do nothing? Maybe color in my hello kitty coloring book? That sounds good I guess.

PEEACE.
Alyssa

It's Been a While...

And I'm sorry. I'll use the "I've been terribly busy" excuse for now. I'm a college kid in a marching band who's football team tends to win a lot. I've got stuff to do.

So, it has been a while since I wrote a blog about anything really. I moved to a new room with a new roommate, who of course is way better than my other one was. I'm pretty sure it couldn't have gotten much worse than what I had before. Unfortunately, when I moved into my new room I guess there was something growing in the AC unit because I got terribly sick, and I recently discovered that I once again have a sinus infection. I think I got rid of the whatever it was that was in there though. Hopefully...

Anyway, my football team only lost twice all season. Two very disappointing losses, but we survived. We went to the Big 12 Championship, and dominated. And on the first of this year we killed UConn at the Fiesta Bowl. It was awesome. My first colorguard season at OU is officially over, and now what am I going to do? Haha.

Because of the Fiesta Bowl, I spent the past week in Arizona. What a whirlwind of events that occurred. Like everyone got sick, including my roommate meaning I slept in several other peoples' rooms. Lots of weird tension amongst the group in general. Fun running around and representing my team. A couple of parades where I felt like a celebrity, a Block Party, etc. And, I didn't have to pay for any of it. They even gave us money for food. Awesome, amiright? The only not-so-fun part was being on a bus for 24ish hours, especially after spending all day at an airport trying to get back to Norman from Sacramento in time to get on the bus. But, I got to ride the bus with one of my favorite people, and being on the two-bus was definitely an experience. See the tubas ride the two-bus (ha get it?) and they have all sorts of... interesting aspects to their two-bus tradition. It wasn't bad though. It was entertaining to say the least.

My performance went very well, and I felt the energy for real. I almost hit Megan, our twirler, with my flag though because she was basically in my spot, and my face was definitely magnified times like a thousand on the big screen. All in a days work, right? Haha. Apparently I was on tv taking a picture because my parents were watching and said they saw me. Is it weird that I have been on tv several times within the past couple of months? Its weird how different my life is now.

So, to school. I did well this semester. I had colorguard, chemistry, calculus, philosophy and engineering and I got an A in every class except Chemistry. I got a B. But Im proud of that B because I worked very hard to get it. It was definitely my most difficult class. Im signed up for a crazy schedule this coming semester so hopefully I'm up for the challenge. I think I am.

I've acquired some really good friends at OU, none of which I'm ready to give up just yet. Just a little shout out to Lauren Woodbury, Chauntel LaMunyon, Chrissy Braswell, Lindsey Morrison, Lauren Pettit, Ryan King, Chris Nail, and hey there's probably a few more I just missed. No harm done. Lol. I love these people. They make me feel at home even when Im so far away.

Speaking of home, after finals I flew out to Cali until I had to leave for the fiesta bowl, and Ill be flying back out tomorrow for the remainder of my break. Yes that is a lot of flying. Going home made me realize how much I terribly miss my friends and my family. I definitely dont take time spent with them for granted now. Being home was great. Yay for In n Out burger. Christmas was awesome at home and definitely went the same as usual. Im not complaining.

I dont really know what else to talk about, but Im sure Ill think of a lot once I post this. Of course. Well, love you all!
BYEE

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
Today I found out that a girl who is in colorguard with me and who has become a good friend of mine had her mother pass away yesterday. Just a week or so ago, for parents weekend, I saw her mother at the morning practice, walking, talking, and smiling as though everything was okay. She had recently had a stroke, but she appeared to recover fast and so it didn't even occur to me that something could still be wrong. But, now that she's gone, though she's not my mom, and though I've only even been in her presence a few times, I I'm in an odd place in my life.
You are literally the person in my life that I care for most. You are the one constant in my life, and the one person who has been there for me no matter what. Even at times where I was so mad at you and you were so mad at me, you still cared and still loved me and did what you thought was best for me. Events like that of yesterdays are the reason that I can't stand saying goodbye to you or getting off the phone with you without telling you I love you first, because I literally can't know for sure that I will have another chance. I hate when I'm mad at you because if you were to disappear I would never forgive myself. It's always been hard for me to watch you leave, or for me to leave you because, though I'm so used to everyone else coming and going, I always expect you to be there.
Whenever I'm trying to accomplish something and I don't quite succeed to the fullest, I get upset and disappointed in myself. But even more so I get upset at the thought that I may have disappointed you. I'm glad that I can live my life like normal and somehow in your eyes I'm doing something amazing because I get up and go to class in the morning and I study and I strive to succeed. To me, that's what normal is. But you seem so thankful and that definitely makes my job easier.
Somehow I think I still believe that you are immortal, because I can't imagine a day without your existence and I never want to experience that. Sometimes I become selfish in wanting myself to die before I have to watch it happen to you, simply because I can not imagine living without you. But, then I know that would hurt you more than I'd ever want you to be hurt and so therefore I'm stuck hoping to live longer than you do and hoping to take on that challenge rather than leaving you to experience it instead.
I've always thought that you had the answer to everything, and now I realize how foolish that sounds, but to this day you have not failed to answer my questions. But then I wonder "How can I ever possibly live up to that?" Because I know that one day I'd like to have kids and to be to them what you are to me, but I certainly don't know everything, and I don't know nearly as much as you do. Also, it scares me to have children, because that means that I'm possibly giving them an attachment to me, knowing that one day I will probably no longer exist in their lives, and I already can't imagine going through that with you.
Basically, I can't tell you enough how much you mean to me and how much I love you and I can't imagine going through what my friend is going through right now and still leading a normal life. I can't expect you to live forever, but please live on in my life forever.
I love you mom!
Love,
Alyssa