Dear Mom,
Today I found out that a girl who is in colorguard with me and who has become a good friend of mine had her mother pass away yesterday. Just a week or so ago, for parents weekend, I saw her mother at the morning practice, walking, talking, and smiling as though everything was okay. She had recently had a stroke, but she appeared to recover fast and so it didn't even occur to me that something could still be wrong. But, now that she's gone, though she's not my mom, and though I've only even been in her presence a few times, I I'm in an odd place in my life.
You are literally the person in my life that I care for most. You are the one constant in my life, and the one person who has been there for me no matter what. Even at times where I was so mad at you and you were so mad at me, you still cared and still loved me and did what you thought was best for me. Events like that of yesterdays are the reason that I can't stand saying goodbye to you or getting off the phone with you without telling you I love you first, because I literally can't know for sure that I will have another chance. I hate when I'm mad at you because if you were to disappear I would never forgive myself. It's always been hard for me to watch you leave, or for me to leave you because, though I'm so used to everyone else coming and going, I always expect you to be there.
Whenever I'm trying to accomplish something and I don't quite succeed to the fullest, I get upset and disappointed in myself. But even more so I get upset at the thought that I may have disappointed you. I'm glad that I can live my life like normal and somehow in your eyes I'm doing something amazing because I get up and go to class in the morning and I study and I strive to succeed. To me, that's what normal is. But you seem so thankful and that definitely makes my job easier.
Somehow I think I still believe that you are immortal, because I can't imagine a day without your existence and I never want to experience that. Sometimes I become selfish in wanting myself to die before I have to watch it happen to you, simply because I can not imagine living without you. But, then I know that would hurt you more than I'd ever want you to be hurt and so therefore I'm stuck hoping to live longer than you do and hoping to take on that challenge rather than leaving you to experience it instead.
I've always thought that you had the answer to everything, and now I realize how foolish that sounds, but to this day you have not failed to answer my questions. But then I wonder "How can I ever possibly live up to that?" Because I know that one day I'd like to have kids and to be to them what you are to me, but I certainly don't know everything, and I don't know nearly as much as you do. Also, it scares me to have children, because that means that I'm possibly giving them an attachment to me, knowing that one day I will probably no longer exist in their lives, and I already can't imagine going through that with you.
Basically, I can't tell you enough how much you mean to me and how much I love you and I can't imagine going through what my friend is going through right now and still leading a normal life. I can't expect you to live forever, but please live on in my life forever.
I love you mom!
Love,
Alyssa
