Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Im really just a hippy...

Note: A lot of people are getting the wrong idea from this post. No, none of these people are getting on my nerves and none of them caused any problems. If I said something about you in this it was a general statement to make clear that Im not going behind your back about anything and doing or saying things. This post is simply part of me trying to make it impossible for people to get the wrong idea in thinking that Im a two-faced liar because Im not and really dont want to be.

So, some events that took place yesterday made me realize that a lot of the time I probably come off as the two-faced lying bitch in certain situations... when really I just want to love everyone and be everyones friend. So, Ive decided to start taking steps toward not looking like that because its really not who I am or what I want, and thus this blog. With this blog I have the intention of clearing up some things that may seem to make me two-faced or a liar, and Im writing it in a blog because it can and will be public knowledge, and quite honestly writing a blog is easier than speaking to individual people. For now I will only hit the mains:

Henry: When I tell you I love you and miss you and everything, I really do mean it. But I think you need to be aware that I also still talk to Chris Jones on a daily basis, and I tell him that stuff too... and I really mean it. When I talk about seeing you later on and being with you, I mean it as well. By no means do I assume that it will happen, but from where I stand right now, if I still feel this way later on I'd definitely be willing to try again and see what we make of it. Yet, with me and Chris there has been a bond for so long, and we know eachother so well, that sometimes I feel like, no matter how hard I push myself toward you, I may end up stuck on him in the end anyway, and Im sorry if that happens and I hurt you. Im sorry that you arent the person Ive known for so long and know so well, and Im sorry that you really dont have the chance to become that person right now, but that doesnt mean that we are doomed. Sometimes Im afraid to talk about certain things around you because I feel you are better than me in many ways and I dont want you to think any less of me than you do, so when I discuss things with other people (like chris jackson) that I dont want to tell you its because I dont think you want to hear it. But its me.

Kirsten: I freakin love you, and I will always refer to you as my best friend BUT, just like me, you know you can be a bitch sometimes and I certainly know you can too. Also, at times, I felt that I could only hang out with  you when we were by ourselves, because, when around other people (even our closest friends), you sometimes acted way different towards me, in somewhat a negative manner. Also, you tend to like to be the center of attention when we are in larger groups and it generally pushes me away because I like it to be about everyone.

Chris: I felt like I needed some separation in between the part to Henry and you. Somehow I doubt you will even read this, but Im writing it anyway. And honestly, you are the one person Im unafraid to say anything to, so you probably already know all of this. But, basically, I tell you I love you and miss you and want to see you because I do. Sometimes I fear that will never change. You always say things would never work for us as anything more than friends but even strangers can tell theres an unbreakable bond between us. I know more about you than you know about yourself, and vise versa. I generally know what you are thinking whether I act like I know or not, and I usually have a pretty good idea of how you are going to respond to what I say. When I talk to other people about you I tend to descibe you as a douchebag/asshole because everyone knows you are. But really, it doesnt bother me. And really I wish I could say so many other things about you but noone wants to hear it. And whenever I tell you, you start to push me away. It sucks.

Kelci: Seriously, I love you. You are gorgeous and you and I get along so well. But, you can get a little hot tempered very easily so if I have ever said anything about you in a two-faced kind of way it was that I called you a bitch. But you know what? Im a bitch sometimes too. I love you for real.

Michael: I really hope Ive never seemed that way toward you because Ive never had anything bad to say about you or any reason to think bad about you as far as I know.

Sarah Thaxton: I hope Ive never appearerd this way toward you as well, but I know that if I ever did, it was solely because I know your potential in colorguard and performance and so I tend to push you harder than everyone else, as I do myself.

For now, thats what Ive got. I will certainly add more. I hope this clears stuff up and Ill try to be more open about things so as to not appear to be something Im not. But, in times when I did this before, it bit me in the ass somehow, so hopefully this attempt is more successful.


Monday, October 4, 2010

Let Me Rant.. just a bit.

First, let me start on a good note by saying OU BEAT TEXAS!! YAY! First time since '07 and Im sooo happy. We have yet to lose this year. The weekend was crazy by the way, because, being in the Pride, I left in one of 7 buses with the rest of the band to go to Texas and I had a nonstop gogogo weekend. Im still trying to catch up on the sleep. There was some good and some bad, and I got to look pretty and I got to perform for lots of people so yay to that. And OU won like I said.

Also, tonight I basically finished my Chem hw thats due tomorrow night and I feel really accomplished. But right now, Im in quite a different mood.

So here goes...
I came to college to do college: get an education, learn some good life skills, gain skills and knowledge in order to have a great and successful future, etc. Yes, its college, and Im going to experience the college life. BUT I will not sacrifice my grades or my learning or my future just to experience a little more of that life.
Yet, some people think that having those priorities is wrong apparently.

While Ive been at school for all of what a month and a half? Ive been told that Im stuck in highschool and that Im childish because I like to go to sleep at a decent time when I have class at 8:30 the next morning. Ive been told Im childish because I wont just agree with whatever someone else wants. Ive been told Im childish because Id like to make compromises and share equally what I do with someone else. Im childish because I go to class everyday. Im stuck in highschool because I study for exams more than an hour in advance and I do my homework before the day its due. Also, because I dont just agree with whatever anyone tells me (im not a pushover) Im obviously not easy to work with.

Thats so strange to me because Ive always grown up thinking the opposite. Its funny the things people get in their heads. Thinking staying out til 3am every night, not going to almost any class, failing, not doing homework, etc. is all part of the college life and how it should be. And going around making fun and talking bad about people that dont agree with you or that choose to live their life different makes you cool. Oh, and doing things simply to bother someone or piss him/her off also makes you cool. And just outright telling them the way they live their life is wrong is totally fine. Gosh, I cant wait til some of these people get out into the real world. For now I just keep telling myself, some day that person will be asking for the job as my janitor and Ill say "Nope, you're even not worthy enough for that." YEP!

Haha so enough of the rant, my life is going pretty good. The cold here is making me miss Cali more, but I have made a few really close friends and some good friends as well and Im kinda just going with it. Im going to visit some family this weekend, so yay to that, and my mom is coming to visit in a couple of weeks! I cant wait. Im gonna send my stuff for my friends out there in Cali with my mom when she comes, so be expecting it (kirsten)!

Anyway, thats enough for now. Im off to go to bed because Im tired and Im childish so I go to bed at a reasonable time! Night!