Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
Today I found out that a girl who is in colorguard with me and who has become a good friend of mine had her mother pass away yesterday. Just a week or so ago, for parents weekend, I saw her mother at the morning practice, walking, talking, and smiling as though everything was okay. She had recently had a stroke, but she appeared to recover fast and so it didn't even occur to me that something could still be wrong. But, now that she's gone, though she's not my mom, and though I've only even been in her presence a few times, I I'm in an odd place in my life.
You are literally the person in my life that I care for most. You are the one constant in my life, and the one person who has been there for me no matter what. Even at times where I was so mad at you and you were so mad at me, you still cared and still loved me and did what you thought was best for me. Events like that of yesterdays are the reason that I can't stand saying goodbye to you or getting off the phone with you without telling you I love you first, because I literally can't know for sure that I will have another chance. I hate when I'm mad at you because if you were to disappear I would never forgive myself. It's always been hard for me to watch you leave, or for me to leave you because, though I'm so used to everyone else coming and going, I always expect you to be there.
Whenever I'm trying to accomplish something and I don't quite succeed to the fullest, I get upset and disappointed in myself. But even more so I get upset at the thought that I may have disappointed you. I'm glad that I can live my life like normal and somehow in your eyes I'm doing something amazing because I get up and go to class in the morning and I study and I strive to succeed. To me, that's what normal is. But you seem so thankful and that definitely makes my job easier.
Somehow I think I still believe that you are immortal, because I can't imagine a day without your existence and I never want to experience that. Sometimes I become selfish in wanting myself to die before I have to watch it happen to you, simply because I can not imagine living without you. But, then I know that would hurt you more than I'd ever want you to be hurt and so therefore I'm stuck hoping to live longer than you do and hoping to take on that challenge rather than leaving you to experience it instead.
I've always thought that you had the answer to everything, and now I realize how foolish that sounds, but to this day you have not failed to answer my questions. But then I wonder "How can I ever possibly live up to that?" Because I know that one day I'd like to have kids and to be to them what you are to me, but I certainly don't know everything, and I don't know nearly as much as you do. Also, it scares me to have children, because that means that I'm possibly giving them an attachment to me, knowing that one day I will probably no longer exist in their lives, and I already can't imagine going through that with you.
Basically, I can't tell you enough how much you mean to me and how much I love you and I can't imagine going through what my friend is going through right now and still leading a normal life. I can't expect you to live forever, but please live on in my life forever.
I love you mom!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Im really just a hippy...

Note: A lot of people are getting the wrong idea from this post. No, none of these people are getting on my nerves and none of them caused any problems. If I said something about you in this it was a general statement to make clear that Im not going behind your back about anything and doing or saying things. This post is simply part of me trying to make it impossible for people to get the wrong idea in thinking that Im a two-faced liar because Im not and really dont want to be.

So, some events that took place yesterday made me realize that a lot of the time I probably come off as the two-faced lying bitch in certain situations... when really I just want to love everyone and be everyones friend. So, Ive decided to start taking steps toward not looking like that because its really not who I am or what I want, and thus this blog. With this blog I have the intention of clearing up some things that may seem to make me two-faced or a liar, and Im writing it in a blog because it can and will be public knowledge, and quite honestly writing a blog is easier than speaking to individual people. For now I will only hit the mains:

Henry: When I tell you I love you and miss you and everything, I really do mean it. But I think you need to be aware that I also still talk to Chris Jones on a daily basis, and I tell him that stuff too... and I really mean it. When I talk about seeing you later on and being with you, I mean it as well. By no means do I assume that it will happen, but from where I stand right now, if I still feel this way later on I'd definitely be willing to try again and see what we make of it. Yet, with me and Chris there has been a bond for so long, and we know eachother so well, that sometimes I feel like, no matter how hard I push myself toward you, I may end up stuck on him in the end anyway, and Im sorry if that happens and I hurt you. Im sorry that you arent the person Ive known for so long and know so well, and Im sorry that you really dont have the chance to become that person right now, but that doesnt mean that we are doomed. Sometimes Im afraid to talk about certain things around you because I feel you are better than me in many ways and I dont want you to think any less of me than you do, so when I discuss things with other people (like chris jackson) that I dont want to tell you its because I dont think you want to hear it. But its me.

Kirsten: I freakin love you, and I will always refer to you as my best friend BUT, just like me, you know you can be a bitch sometimes and I certainly know you can too. Also, at times, I felt that I could only hang out with  you when we were by ourselves, because, when around other people (even our closest friends), you sometimes acted way different towards me, in somewhat a negative manner. Also, you tend to like to be the center of attention when we are in larger groups and it generally pushes me away because I like it to be about everyone.

Chris: I felt like I needed some separation in between the part to Henry and you. Somehow I doubt you will even read this, but Im writing it anyway. And honestly, you are the one person Im unafraid to say anything to, so you probably already know all of this. But, basically, I tell you I love you and miss you and want to see you because I do. Sometimes I fear that will never change. You always say things would never work for us as anything more than friends but even strangers can tell theres an unbreakable bond between us. I know more about you than you know about yourself, and vise versa. I generally know what you are thinking whether I act like I know or not, and I usually have a pretty good idea of how you are going to respond to what I say. When I talk to other people about you I tend to descibe you as a douchebag/asshole because everyone knows you are. But really, it doesnt bother me. And really I wish I could say so many other things about you but noone wants to hear it. And whenever I tell you, you start to push me away. It sucks.

Kelci: Seriously, I love you. You are gorgeous and you and I get along so well. But, you can get a little hot tempered very easily so if I have ever said anything about you in a two-faced kind of way it was that I called you a bitch. But you know what? Im a bitch sometimes too. I love you for real.

Michael: I really hope Ive never seemed that way toward you because Ive never had anything bad to say about you or any reason to think bad about you as far as I know.

Sarah Thaxton: I hope Ive never appearerd this way toward you as well, but I know that if I ever did, it was solely because I know your potential in colorguard and performance and so I tend to push you harder than everyone else, as I do myself.

For now, thats what Ive got. I will certainly add more. I hope this clears stuff up and Ill try to be more open about things so as to not appear to be something Im not. But, in times when I did this before, it bit me in the ass somehow, so hopefully this attempt is more successful.


Monday, October 4, 2010

Let Me Rant.. just a bit.

First, let me start on a good note by saying OU BEAT TEXAS!! YAY! First time since '07 and Im sooo happy. We have yet to lose this year. The weekend was crazy by the way, because, being in the Pride, I left in one of 7 buses with the rest of the band to go to Texas and I had a nonstop gogogo weekend. Im still trying to catch up on the sleep. There was some good and some bad, and I got to look pretty and I got to perform for lots of people so yay to that. And OU won like I said.

Also, tonight I basically finished my Chem hw thats due tomorrow night and I feel really accomplished. But right now, Im in quite a different mood.

So here goes...
I came to college to do college: get an education, learn some good life skills, gain skills and knowledge in order to have a great and successful future, etc. Yes, its college, and Im going to experience the college life. BUT I will not sacrifice my grades or my learning or my future just to experience a little more of that life.
Yet, some people think that having those priorities is wrong apparently.

While Ive been at school for all of what a month and a half? Ive been told that Im stuck in highschool and that Im childish because I like to go to sleep at a decent time when I have class at 8:30 the next morning. Ive been told Im childish because I wont just agree with whatever someone else wants. Ive been told Im childish because Id like to make compromises and share equally what I do with someone else. Im childish because I go to class everyday. Im stuck in highschool because I study for exams more than an hour in advance and I do my homework before the day its due. Also, because I dont just agree with whatever anyone tells me (im not a pushover) Im obviously not easy to work with.

Thats so strange to me because Ive always grown up thinking the opposite. Its funny the things people get in their heads. Thinking staying out til 3am every night, not going to almost any class, failing, not doing homework, etc. is all part of the college life and how it should be. And going around making fun and talking bad about people that dont agree with you or that choose to live their life different makes you cool. Oh, and doing things simply to bother someone or piss him/her off also makes you cool. And just outright telling them the way they live their life is wrong is totally fine. Gosh, I cant wait til some of these people get out into the real world. For now I just keep telling myself, some day that person will be asking for the job as my janitor and Ill say "Nope, you're even not worthy enough for that." YEP!

Haha so enough of the rant, my life is going pretty good. The cold here is making me miss Cali more, but I have made a few really close friends and some good friends as well and Im kinda just going with it. Im going to visit some family this weekend, so yay to that, and my mom is coming to visit in a couple of weeks! I cant wait. Im gonna send my stuff for my friends out there in Cali with my mom when she comes, so be expecting it (kirsten)!

Anyway, thats enough for now. Im off to go to bed because Im tired and Im childish so I go to bed at a reasonable time! Night!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Shopaholism? NO!

Since my last post was over two weeks ago I felt it was time for a new. This weekend was my first weekend off – no football! …at least not here. BUT OU did have our fourth straight win this weekend. Anyway, because I didn’t have a game to be at yesterday, I did not have practice on Friday and so I went to my Grandma’s house to visit a bunch of my family. My brother, sister-in-law, and niece were gone but my grandmother was there instead which was exciting. I got some new Uggs, a memory foam mattress topper (because college beds are so comfortable! Not.), and my grandma even got me and OU snuggie! Haha. How I love her. I got to see Keri a lot too which was cool. Keri is my… cousin? Haha I never know exactly how that family stuff works but I think shes like my second cousin or something. Anyway, I got to see her motorcycle and the new one she wants and it made me want one even more. But Ill have one eventually.
Speaking of stuff I want, I really want one of those new iPod touch nano things. Preferably the green one. But Ill probably never get one. Oh well. Maybe. And, oh yeah, I forgot to mention that we went out to get me a winter coat so I wont freeze and we somehow ended up with Uggs instead. Im not complaining. But, as we were looking at coats and as I look online some more I keep seeing so many of these really cute coats that I want. BAD. This is bad. Oh well.
So Im finishing up another bracelet and then Ill be mailing my first package out. So exciting I know. I needa figure out how to mail it though. Sad right? And I cant wait to get more boxes from my mom and stuff. GAH! I love surprises and presents. I bought new make up earlier this week which was good because I needed it and oh yeah PIZZA TUESDAY is this week. Its gonna be Taco Tuesday and Fajita Tuesday sometime but for now its Tacos. And I wanna make cake.
Besides all that, its SAXET WEEEEEK! (texas week duh) and its crazy because, since Im in the Pride, we have a whole fun week and weekend ahead of us and all I know is I will be EXHAUSTED by the end. Oh shizz. Its gonna be so fun though. The guard captains have all this cool stuff planned for us and then we leave Friday (the school even cancelled classes because its saxeT week) and the Pride has plans for the whole weekend. Crazzzzy. Ahh Im so excited.
Well, Id write more but I have some homework. OH! Speaking of homework, I had a Philosophy exam on Friday which I totally owned, and I had a Calculus exam on Monday, which I got points off of for being too smart (doing the work in my head instead of showing it on the paper because it was that easy. Haha) And overall I feel good about how much I study and about how I do my work and everything so yea. I came to college to do college and that’s what Im doing.
Well, talk to everyone later!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Don't You Hear Sincerity in my Voice When I Talk?

So, it's Friday, meaning I had my game day eve practice today and tomorrow OU plays Florida (hopefully not like we played Utah last week). I'm really not in the greatest of moods right now so sorry if I sound monotonous or anything. Todays practice didn't go well for me. I kept messing up and forgetting things and I was trying as I always do. But noone can be sure of that but me. Yet, on a lighter note, because it was game day eve, it was the practice where everyone dresses up. This is kinda my favorite practice because of that. The drumline has matching outfits for each part of the section and the trumpets all wear little pink shorts, etc. Guard decided to join in and because our show this week consists of Poker Face - Lady Gaga, Waking Up In Vegas - Katy Perry, and You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift we went with Taylor Swift and all dressed as she did in the video. Good stuff.

Anyway, I had something else to say but I forgot. Great right? Well right now my roommate is gone so Im taking a chill night in my room by myself. Too bad its definitely the wrong day for Alyssa to be lonely. So I finished watching Secret Life and omg Im so in love with that show. But this whole Ricky Amy business gets me to think too much about my life and relationships and what not and I think it upsets me somewhat. Maybe Im jealous? Who knows. But I also got myself some food from Xcetera, the store downstairs, and I even got some chocolate. Because everyone knows I LOVE chocolate and Ive been lacking it lately. Sad.

I've also been indulging in music, and right now Yiruma's River Flows in You, Paramore's The Only Exception, and Eminem's Love the Way You Lie are repetitively flowing through my speakers and flooding my soul with... the truth? First, go listen to those songs if you haven't yet. River Flows in You is always a song I turn on, and I'm thinking of looking into more of Yiruma's music because of this. Also, I think in a way I feel at home listening to piano. Maybe it's because I am in a way? Then, The Only Exception. God this song sucks. Not literally but seriously it hits home. I always put up defenses and pretend I don't care and try to keep boundaries between like and love and I'm scared to cross to the love side, but then someone comes along, or maybe he's already there, and it's like... Crap.

Lastly, Love the Way You Lie. Eminem is a lyrical genius, and he proves it in this song. But also, this song gets to me. Only a few of you probably even know why or how, and I don't know if anybody understands how badly it sucks. Once again, I pretend I don't care... but I do. Ehh. Oh well. New topic.  :D

Oh wait, back to that song. So I really want to have the opportunity to teach and write shows for a highschool colorguard when I get older. Not as a career but more as a hobby. I have so many ideas and I want to create and show people how I see the world... but through a show. Anyway, I WANT to do this song. Probably more than any other song. But for winterguard. And Ive already designed some of it in my head because Im like that. Gah.

Soooo, I have my first Chemistry exam this week and I have Engineering essays due on Monday and etc. etc. Its crazzzy. Especially because I know people who haven't even started school yet and I feel so far in. It will be the end of this semester before I know it. I hope it ends well though.

Right now I miss everyone back in Cali so much, its rediculous. I got Skype, but I only get sad when I have to get off of it.

Well, I'm going to go get in bed and chill out, because Ill probably be up at 5ish tomorrow, so um any news...
I have good grades as far as I know right now.
Im still in the pride.
I need a haircut.
Yea I really dont have any news. Oh well. Maybe Ill add to this if I think of something.
Love everybody!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Number One! So far anyway...

Hey all!
This is my first blog ever, hence the title, but what you didn't know is that the title has a double meaning. I currently attend the University of Oklahoma and I performed at my first OU game last night. OU vs. Utah State, and as everyone expected, OU won... but it was closer than it should have been. 31-24. Scary?

So, though this blog is open to all to read, it is mainly for my friends and family, most of whom currently reside around Sacramento, California. Everyone kept telling me to update them on my college life and I discovered this would be the easiest way to keep everyone posted at the same time. Well, this and facebook.

So, getting to that. I auditioned for the Pride, which is the University's marching band, and I am now a part of the Colorguard! It has been crazy and exciting. We have rehearsals five nights a week, two hours each, and because of this I have grown some awesome shoulder and arm muscles, as well as an interesting tan...

I'm taking Philosophy, Calculus, Chemistry, and Engineering right now, and I can not wait until next semester when I can plan my classes for LATER. Right now, I have a class at 8:30am. Not cool. Haha but Ill live. My roommates name is Darby, and at 4'11 she is a pretty awesomely short roommate. We get along very well and we like to share everything. Haha.

To those of you awaiting bracelets, I promise Im making them, and Kirsten I have the notebook out right now. To my fam bam out there, I miss all of you. Send me stuff :D. And to all my fam bam out here, come visit PLEASEEEEEE!

Anyway, starting my 3rd week of school this Tuesday. It's been going by fast because of the amount of stuff I have to do. Yes, I have been getting all my work done and I have been studying, Mom. Other than that I'm just living life and trying not to get too many bruises.

Love you all!