I'm literally less than two weeks away from being done with my freshman year at OU. Wtf happened? Thats all I have to say. I was kinda just doing me and living life and now I'm sitting here thinking it all went by so fast. I'm pretty sure a year ago I was scared to go to college and scared I couldn't do it. I was afraid to go so far away from home with no one but myself to get me through school, with no friends tagging along, and no established reputation. That turned out to be a good thing actually.
Next week I have final on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday and then I'm done. I can pack up and go home. Well at least to my brothers house. Then, the next Tuesday (May 17 - my mommys birthday) I getta leave and be back in California for 3 months. I'm excited. I miss my family and my friends there and I just miss California in general. Oklahoma really is a lot different.
But, there are some things I'll miss from Oklahoma. My friends (mainly Chrissy Braswell, Lindsey Morrison, and Lauren Pettit), school (I'm a nerd), Colorguard/Band which I miss anyway, my family out here, etc. And I guess I might miss my boyfriend a bit too. Lol jk. I will realllllyyy miss him. Honestly, just thinking about him leaving makes my eyes start to tear. Sad but true. I already know I'm probably going to uncontrollably bawl my eyes out when he leaves. Idk why I'm like that. There's not much I cry about in general, but whenever I have to leave someone or something I really care about, even if it's only for a few months, I get really upset.
I guess being upset about not seeing him is a good thing, it means I care right? I really do care about him a lot. I'm not sure why I wasted so much time not being with him and avoiding my feelings. But I know, because I spent so much time being his friend when I felt something more about him, that I really do like him and I want to be with him for a long time. I'm not sure I've felt this way about anyone in a long time, maybe not ever. It's nice though. It feels so right and I feel like at least that part of my life is set. For now. I can't guarantee it will last forever but I hope it lasts for a very long time.
It's ridiculous how much I care about us being together and staying together. I'm so paranoid that something will tear us apart so I freak out when anything little happens between us and I get really upset. And then all I wanna do is hold onto him and not let go. And he keeps telling me its okay, or that hes sorry, or that hes not gonna leave me but I still can't help but be scared that I'm gonna do something wrong or that something will change. I'm so paranoid in fact that I'm paranoid about my paranoia messing things up. Sometimes I feel like I worry about it so much that hes gonna get sick of me worrying about it and think I don't trust him or believe him when he tells me its fine. Idk why I'm like that. I feel that it's because I know how much I like him and care about him and I'm so scared that he'll leave and I won't know how to be myself again. He literally holds me up. I don't know what I'd do without him.
Anyway, enough with that because it's messing with my emotions and I'm sure you are tired of reading about it. I've recently discovered how important it is to me to keep in contact with my family. In fact, for some reason just getting to talk to my sister or my dad or someone every few days makes me feel good. I don't know why but I constantly feel the need to know how things are and make sure life is well and just... be present in their lives. I never realized how important family was to me. I always knew how important my mom was to me, and even my siblings at times, but I'm starting to realize a lot more people are important to me and I feel like I'd be nothing without them.
I'm starting to pack up stuff to move out, I've been submitting job applications for a month or so now, I'm looking at all sorts of things that have almost nothing to do with school work, and I'm just thinking about my life lately. For some reason, being in college made me realize that having a career and a home and being an adult (for real) is all so close and life just seems a whole lot bigger now. It's scary in some ways, but I'm excited for the future.
Oh in case you care about recent shiz, I went home (to Plano, Texas more specifically) with my boyfriend (his names Chris btw, surprise surprise) this past weekend. It was nice. His family is quite like mine in several ways which made it easy to feel at home-ish? His parents were so kind as to buy Chris and me tickets to go to Edgefest. It was really nice. I really like concerts, regardless of who is playing, but it helped that I liked the bands. It was nice to spend that whole day with Chris as well. It was a nice weekend in general. Well besides the rain on Sunday. Ewie. Hopefully tomorrows weather should be nice. I hope.
My sister in law, Heather, has a birthday on Wednesday I believe, and my niece Bailee has a birthday on Saturday. As well as my grandma Sharon. Then Mother's Day is on Sunday. Wish I could be with my mommy :(.
I gotta write a couple papers before next week and do some studying. But right now I'm gonna go busify myself.
I hope all is well.
OH PS Osamas dead. YAY.
<3alyssa
