Kiss the Rain - Yiruma
I needed a refreshingly new instrumental (specifically piano) piece swimming through my brain. So of course, I stepped right over to the lovely Yiruma playlist and picked out this piece. And I LOVE it. I've loved it since I heard the preview.
I got really stressed out today. It all just kind of came at me at once. Fortunately, I was able to pick up and leave and hit the gym for an hour or so. Listen to some music, be by myself, get my mind off of it all. What caused the stress? Ahh... well...
Besides being a college student in a fairly difficult field as far as majors are concerned and with a heavy schedule, things have all the sudden boiled over this week.
First, but certainly not foremost, I had a boyfriend... for all of 3ish weeks. I did not plan on having any relationships at all this year, and for a while I fought it. I wanted to go to school, do my school and do me without all the complications of a relationship. I didn't want the guilt of feeling for somebody when committed to another. I didn't want to have to commit to a set, constant schedule of seeing or talking to someone. I didn't want to have feelings.... But, eventually I fell for it. I did the relationship thing. He was (or seemed to be) someone I could handle and someone "worth it." And I could swear to you that things seemed to be going just as well almost up until a few days before the end of it all. If you had told me last Thursday, let's say, that by the following Tuesday I would no longer be in a relationship I would have laughed and told you you're crazy and that I feel I may be in one for quite some time. I also would have been wrong. All the sudden things went wrong. Some of it I understand. Some of it I'm not sure I will ever understand. Particularly that there had not been enough wrong for it to end. We hadn't really gotten into much of a fight yet, and I could have sworn we both were into the relationship. WRONG AGAIN. Yep. Anyway, all that taught me is that I need to follow what I feel is right for me. Meaning, if I say at the beginning of the year that I won't do a relationship, I won't do it. I've learned.
Speaking of relationships, I managed to successfully repair one that same day. And, honestly, the whole process of doing that, and all the hurt, and all the hatred I had for myself for messing things up with that person, was wayyy worse than the hurt I felt from the break up. I guess I just cared more about the relationship with that person than I did about the person I was "in a relationship" with. Which, now that I think about it, is completely backwards. How could I care more about one person, and stupidly pick another. Damn. Wow.
More stress came from.. Idk. Just this whole dorm life thing. This whole not having my own space that is entirely my own thing. This whole not having a place to go to be alone. To get away from it all. I need something like that. Don't get me wrong, I have a great roommate and I love my friends. I just need days without them. And lately that hasn't been happening. My room is the new "hotspot" rather than a place where I can go to get away. I almost feel like in order to get anything done or in order to be away from loudness and craziness I have to go away from my "home."
Plus, today when so many were in here, we were discussing one thing and people kept butting in all saying the same things we had already discussed. Which made me want to punch something. I feel like sometimes people just have the sole desire to put their 2 cents in regardless of how similar theirs are to somebody elses and regardless of their extent of knowledge about the situation.
Besides all of that, just homework and all this school crap coming at me too fast is causing issues. And I just need to sit down and go through it all.
And, Im starting to feel alone again. I hope it changes.
Things will get better with time, right?